remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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