I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I think my fart just growled at me.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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