Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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