i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
