It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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