I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
