I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just want to make out with him forever
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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