Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
We smell like vodka and hangover
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