He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize