if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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