Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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