I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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