I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize