Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize