The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
