just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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