Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
