i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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