So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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