I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
