I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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