One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
