people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
