Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
