I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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