I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
