Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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