Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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