A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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