i wish starbucks made bloody marys
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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