im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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