Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
