Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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