I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
