I have demons in me.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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