I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
