The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize