i need an iv and a liver transplant
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
