His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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