she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
