there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
