While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
