I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
