3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
