and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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