he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
