So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
