My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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