this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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