doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
