i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
