Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
