Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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