To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
