i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You may now shotgun with the bride
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
