oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
