How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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