New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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