I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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