i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
