i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
