Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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