party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
We need to rekindle our bromance
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
