Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
