I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
