Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
